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I really want to date someone that I've never dated before. I don't know why. Experience someone and something new. That is all. | | |
| Hello everyone. I'm sorry I have been ignoring xanga. I have been real lazy with my updating. Just never have time. Haha.
-Broke up with Andrew. We dated a month and I finally had to cut the chord. He wasn't doing anything for me. He was holding me back and wasn't giving me what I want out of a relationship, so I ended up. He was mad at me. I love him. I'll always love him, but I can't be with him in a relationship. He's too selfish to be with. He didn't talk to me. He wouldn't come and see me. If I wanted to see him, I WOULD have to go see him myself. I would have to make the plans. And that's only if he actually text me back.Then when I broke up with me, THEN he wanted to talk to me. I know he loves me, but I feel he doesn't give his part for the relationship. Like, I give my 100% and he only gives 50%. I made him a priority in my life and he didn't do the same for me. It was just time to cut the chord and end it. I wasn't doing it like last time we dated where I kept giving him a MILLION CHANCES and we ended up lasting a year. Only because I never wanted to end it, because I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone like him. Guess what? I don't have that problem anymore. I have enough confidence in myself to walk away and who cares if I'm not with anyone. But if I find someone else, then good for me.
-I came up $5 short in my register last night. :( The ONE DAY I don't count it. I always count it every day and Jerome told me he already counted it and I was just too tired and I didn't count it... Fuck me. They put in $5 for me and told me just next time I'll be responsible. That made my night horrible. First time I ever came up short. I've been working at McDonalds for a month and it's going alright. Other than last night with coming up short. I'm getting a lot better at it. I'll be working all damn summer. Victoria won't have a summer. :( Which is the only thing that SUCKS. I do have to ask if I can take off or switch my schedule around for July 20th, because that's warped tour and I'm going. :) Got my tickets! Hehe.
-I haven't lost any pounds. Have lost another inch from my waist. My tummy is going down. My mom said it's because it's actually toning or whatever. I'm happy. I do have to start running, though. I haven't in like 2 months. The new manager, Ernie, lives right in town where I live and he runs 3 miles every Saturday morning. He told me if I was interested, I could run with him. I might take him on that offer. I'll probably be dead, because I don't normally run 3 miles. Haha. Only run for 20 minutes straight on the treadmill. Ha. :P But I do want to start working out again. That would be great. :)
-Met countless boys in the drive thru. Ha. I laugh at this. They're all black too. Which makes me laugh, because I've never had black guys interested in me... Only white guys. To be honest. Never thought they would find me attractive at all. Never have before. Haha. I have dated black guys, but they were really white deep down. Haha. But I met three boys. Twan - he's 25. Hung out with him twice. Marcus - he's 19. We keep trying to hang out, but shit gets fucked up. Antoine - he's 21 and I've been currently talking to him. He came and saw me at work yesterday. :) Put a smile on my face. I was sweeping the parking lot when he came and saw me and when I came inside, this girl I work with was like, "You know him?!" She's black and she acts like black guys shouldn't even talk to me. She's always SO surprised when I talk to black guys even the ones she knows talk to me... Like they don't deserve to talk to me or WHY DO THEY TALK TO ME. Shit like that. She was like, "I didn't know you dated black guys..." Um, it doesn't matter what color of there skin they are. If they're respectful, nice, great personality, have some of the similar interests, then i'll be interested and talk to them. I mean, what's wrong with people? Ha. They assume I stick with one race when I date. Ha, what the fuck. I swear, I work with some dumb people. She's very nosy too. Asking me how I met them and shit. Um, how about it's none of your fucking business. But since I'm TOO nice, I didn't say that. I just told her when I worked the drive thru. Haha. So funny.
-Work today. 2-10 tonight and then I'm off Thursday and Friday. Robbie is coming to see me tonight, hopefully and Antoine is coming to see me Friday night, hopefully. :) I'm excited. For one, I miss the hell out of Robbie. Plus, I'm off. And also see Antoine. Yay!
-I get paid today, also. :D Yessssss.
Later everyone.
<3 Victoria | | |
| So far, so good with the boyfriend. He was so cute last night. I had fun. He was gonna come over today before work, but couldn't make it. So, I slept in, since I woken up at 7 from my mom and her big ass mouth. NOT FUN.
Work today. 4-12. I'll edit probably when I get home. Haha.
Bye!
-Victoria
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| Got a job at McDonalds. It's a 24 hours one, so I work until midnight every night. Actually, I have an over night tonight. 9 to 5 am. Haha. The manager told me it will probably go by so fast. Haha, I hope so. :P But it probably won't be bad. I actually like working until midnight. I love the evening shifts, even though I'm dead by time I get off and go home. Haha.
I got a boyfriend. It's weird saying that. I'm back with my ex. I haven't told anyone, except my sister and my friend, Cody. Like 3 girls at work know, but they don't know who my ex is, so I don't have to worry about anything getting out. I haven't told my family or best friend. I'm afraid too. I haven't gone "public" per-say with it. Everyone hates him and would probably kill me if they knew that I'm back with him. I even had a pit in my stomach after I said yes to him and he left from hanging out with me last Thursday. I just figured if it doesn't work out, I'll just pretend that it never happened, haha. I'm honestly afraid to tell my best friend. I think she would kill me... I'm approaching this relationship different. We dated back in high school and I figured I'm NOT the same person he dated. I won't let him walk all over me or make me cry. I asked him before I even said yes why he wanted me back and he said, "I was actually happy with you. We had a good relationship. I love and miss you." And all that kind of stuff. And I told him that we were in the past and that if we dated, it's gonna be SUPER DIFFERENT. Because I'm not the same person that he dated back in high school. I've changed a great deal. I told him that this relationship we gotta work at it. It's not just gonna be like, "Hey, we were back together. I love you. Everything is all great and dandy." I told him we gotta work at it. See how everything goes. I also told him I can't be with anyone that smokes, because that's what he does. Or should I say, did. He got in trouble with it and told me that he's gonna try and stop. I told him, I found out that he lied and he didn't stop that theres no if's, and or but about this, they we would be OVER. I told him what I wanted and hopefully he would respect it. I'm trying to learn how to talk to him and let him talk to me about how he's feeling, instead of just yelling at him.
I honestly do want this relationship to work, because I do love him, but at the same time, I'm not gonna be played like a fool. If it doesn't work, I'm not letting the whole "I love him" keep me with him. I can promise you that. Like, I said, this is gonna be different. We'll see how this goes.
I had a day off yesterday and I did nothing all day but lay around. I was so tired. Haha. I was hoping to hang out with the boy, but he was working. I was gonna try and see him Friday on my other day off. I hope so. I just wanna relax and chill with him and watch movies and talk. Like we usually do. It's weird, I'm so content with doing that with someone I like, then anything. Haha. But hopefully, when I get off at 5, I'm gonna come home, sleep some and hopefully make it to Britt's house and as we say it, "get our crunk on" and chill until Friday and go home & hopefully see the boy. I have the plan in my head. Hopefully it will all work out. HAHAH. If it doesn't, I'm gonna smack someone. :P
No exercising. No eating all day when I'm working. Come home and binge and the bed. HORRIBLE. And I feel so horribly and guilty for doing what I've been doing. I'm probably gaining. :( I really need to get running in my schedule. I'm gonna try and get to it before work tonight. And then I'm gonna try and wake up earlier and go running and then get ready and go to work and do that everyday. I hope I can do this. I would feel much better when I get my exercising back on track. I really wanna lose weight by summer. :)
Got to go. Laters!
-Victoria | | |
| I posted this on my Tumblr. I figured I'd just post it here too. If I got something else to say, I'll edit later.
the road turned into a snake
and looked in my veins and said
it’s in your blood
thats when i tried to run
but it was way too dark
i got scared and ran into your arms
oh sweet chemical predicament
i can’t stop, can’t change the evident
predisposed to forget the best part
a story where the hero dies out in the yard
made sure that the needle was clean when i let myself fall asleep
and all i kept was a piece of your picture
it slipped from her fingers when i slid into my dreams
it’s not as deep as it seems
and unfair as it may be
i’m just here to remind you
remind you not to forget to remember me
i know you know how it feels to make a clean break
my bones are your bones
my home is your home
you must be so confused
i got scared and ran away from you
oh sweet divine predicament
i can’t hide i can’t change the evident
we disposed the trusted photograph
to portray the way you used to laugh
do you recall and do you wed
such a radiant pride
you couldn’t wait to see your first born take his very first steps
and you smiled at him cause you thought he looked like me
it’s not as deep as it seems
and unfair as it may be
i’m just here to remind you
remind you not to forget to remember me
now i’ve died, you question so much
i don’t possess the strength to answer straight
and no, i’m not afraid, at least not to die
i’m afraid to live and not remember why
sweet chemical indifference
i can’t stop, can’t change the evident
predisposed to perpetual sickness
i refuse to let you all be witness
make sure the needle is clean when you let me go back to sleep
and situate the piece of her picture underneath my fingers
it protects me in my dreams
it’s not as deep as it seems
and unfair as it may be
i’m just here to remind you
remind you not to forget to remember me
This song reminds me so much of my Daddy. It’s sad, but that’s how his life was. Makes me miss him, but wish he never had addiction problem. Makes me wish I was better at doing my job in taking care of him and stop him from doing this. Instead, I did it with him. Didn't do any of the hard ones with him, but I still ended up doing my drugs with him. It’s a sad thing. It’s a struggle. You know how many time my dad and I told each other we were gonna stop? A million times. Never stopped. It took my dad actually passing away to trigger in my head that I needed to stop. Especially, since I’m pretty sure he overdosed. It’s a hard thing to over come. I keep praying to God everyday for strength to keep moving forward. All I hope is my dad is looking down on me and smiling and proud that I finally stopped and congratulating me to keep going forward with this. Keep staying positive and actually making something of my life.
I miss you, daddy. SO fucking much. I love you. I hope you’re finally proud of me.
<3
*Little rant*
PS: Rain brings this outta me. I wrote this when it wouldn't stop fucking raining all day. Ha. Don't worry, I'm better now. Especially since the sun is out and it's warm. :)
-Victoria | | |
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